Well, wasn’t that exciting? We’ve now seen what’s on offer from the warring factions of the great console empire; Microsoft, Sony and Nintendo, as well as developers EA and Ubisoft. We’ve sifted through the heaping pile of gaming nuggets to present only the shiniest of shinies with our StickTwiddlers E3 2014 Awards!
THE “WORST NAME” AWARD
Rise Of The Tomb Raider
The Tomb Raider? The?! It just doesn’t sit right, does it? Don’t get me wrong, the 2013 reboot was one of my favourite games of that year, gritty and engaging and containing one of the best bows in recent gaming history. If Rise Of The Tomb Raider continues the trend, we’re in for a treat. Still, I’d like to suggest a few alternative names.
- Tomb Fast, Tomb Furious
- Tomb Raider Two: Raid Harder
- Tomb Raider 2: Wrath Of Kent
- Raiders Gonna Raid
- Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Tombs (But Were Afraid To Ask)
MOST SPONTANEOUS NON-CONTACT ORGASMS
The Legend Of Zelda Wii U
“I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in ecstasy and were suddenly spent. I fear something sticky has happened.”
MOST LIKELY TO BE CANCELLED WITHIN SIX MONTHS
Star Wars: Battlefront
“Hey Star Wars fans! OK, 1313 is gone, but we’ve got Battlefront! We showed you a little bit at E3 2013, we’re showing you a little bit more now, keep your eyes peeled because by God you want this and we’re going to give it to you… EVENTUALLY!”
Get ready for months of anticipation and salivation, before the inevitable cancellation. The cancellation will be announced via a YouTube video, which will be repeatedly reworked by Lucas, declared non-canon by Disney and parodied by Family Guy within a week.
THE “FUCKING WIZARDRY (OR 120GB DOWNLOAD)” AWARD
Far Cry 4
Not content with just pissing us all off, Ubisoft wanted to confuse the hell out of us too, with the announcement that Far Cry 4 players will be able to invite friends to join them in game, even if said friends don’t actually own Far Cry 4. This will either require dark magicks worthy of at least three books by J.K Rowling and a subsequent movie franchise, or a download of gargantuan proportions.
The download is more likely, but we’re really hoping to see “Harry Potter And The Torrent Of Game Invites” coming to cinemas in 2015. Sequels to include “Harry Potter And The Red Ring Of Death” and “Harry Potter And The Doritos Of Doom”.
THE “ARE WE WATCHING THE RIGHT BLOODY STREAM?!” AWARD
Reggie VS Iwata
The bizarre but brilliant Smash Bros advert which featured Reggie and Iwata duking it out HAS to have had some of you reaching for the mouse/remote/controller/loaded gun, wondering what the hell you’d just tuned into.
“Hey honey, your E3 thing is on”
“Oooh, what game are they showing now?”
“Uh… Looks like Dragons Den? There’s two guys in suits and HOLY SHIT ON A SHINGLE, WHAT’S HAPPENING?!”
The worst part is we now really want to know who’d win if that fight happened for real. My money is on Iwata. Reggie may have the weight advantage, but Iwata looks scrappy.
THE “LUCASARTS MEMORIAL” AWARD
Grim Fandango HD
Ben is still shaking with excitement about the announcement of Grim Fandango HD, so much so that we’re currently using him to mix paint. I’m doing up my basement at StickTwiddlers HQ.
Lucasarts may be dead but the dream lives on and the arrival of this cult classic on PS4, PS Vita and other platforms to be confirmed is going to make many a gamer smile like a kid who’s just been given a life-size Triceratops made of chocolate.
BEST RANDOM CAMEO AWARD
The Incredible Hulk
You thought that this was going to be Ice T from the Nintendo Super Smash Bros. Wii U conference, didn’t you? Nope!
The winner for the best random cameo goes to The Incredible Hulk who either got very excited or very angry during the Destiny presentation of the Sony E3 conference and cut off Sony Vice President of Publisher and Developer Relations, Adam Boyes, by yelling out a “Hulk Smash” before being hushed, presumably by Iron Man.
The sound guy was clearly trolling Boyes throughout the entire Sony conference by cutting him off and mixing in sound too early or too loud. And it was bloody hilarious.
MOST LIKELY TO RUIN JAMIE’S SOCIAL LIFE, MARRIAGE AND EYESIGHT
Halo: Master Chief Collection
HNNNGGGHHHH!!! All the main Halo titles on one shiny Blu-Ray is just about more than I can take. After this announcement, I had to stand under a cold shower for two hours to stop the excited blood rush from setting fire to my face.
Setting aside my bias for a moment and doing the “hotshit games writer thingy” bit (that’s on my business cards), the Master Chief Collection is a master stroke by 343, giving gamers the chance to catch up on or relive the whole of Chief’s journey and just maybe selling a few more consoles in the process. Now back to bias… OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODBOOM!
THE “JUST TAKING THE PISS” AWARD
Super Ultra Dead Rising 3 Arcade Remix Hyper Edition EX Plus Alpha
Super Ultra Dead Rising 3 Arcade Remix Hyper Edition EX Plus Alpha
Folks around the world who write about games hate you right now, Capcom. You have a problem and this madness needs to stop.
This is worse than the whole Watch_Dogs underscore thing.
THE “UNEXPECTED TIME LORD” AWARD
Alex Rigopulos, Harmonix
Forward thinking executives at the BBC are already looking ahead to Peter Capraldi’s eventual departure from Doctor Who and who better than Alex Rigopulos. Just like the Doctor, Alex has jumped from one time period to another, now having very little idea what is when and who happens where.
His “See you at E3″ ending to the Harmonix segment of Microsoft’s E3 conference is actually a clever spoiler from an upcoming series of Doctor Who which includes E3, time loops and a desperate bid to find out when the hell Half Life 3 is being released.
Yes we realise that the comment referred to the E3 show floor and the fact that the show didn’t properly begin until after the Microsoft conference, but where’s the fun in that? God, honestly, chill out internet. You’re not our real dad!
THE “SAUSAGE FEST” AWARD
Assassin’s Creed: Unity
Ubisoft decided against including playable female characters in the otherwise very exciting Assassin’s Creed: Unity, because it would be too much like hard work. There’s an old Somerset saying which I think applies at times like this. “If you’re too lazy to wield the shovel, you’re soon going to be up to your neck in shit”.
We will of course be offering the award to Ubisoft in a selection of collector’s editions.
THE “THIS IS HOW IT’S DONE” AWARD
Aisha, never change.
You can catch up on all of the E3 2014 madness right here on StickTwiddlers where we have highlights, details and videos of the best parts of the Xbox, Sony, Nintendo, EA and Ubisoft conferences.