Christmas has been and gone. Was Santa good to you this year? Did you get a shiny new console, or maybe that game you’ve been eyeing up for the past couple of months? Good little boys and girls will have received all manner of shiny gaming goodness, of course, but the bad buggers among you might well have gotten some of the crappiest bits of gaming merchandise known to mankind!
5) The PCP Station
If you don’t already know of Ashens’ YouTube channel, shame on you. If you do, you’ll likely have already seen this video in which our pal Stuart reviews what may well be the most god-awful cheap ripoff piece of gaming equipment on the face of this or any other planet.
Just look at it. Doesn’t it make you sick? I suppose you could argue that it’s a cheap alternative to an expensive handheld and a viable option for those with a lower income, which would be a valid point if not for the fact that there are other alternatives out there and this one doesn’t bloody work properly. You’d be better off with a picture of Mario drawn on a Ryvita. At least you could eat that when you’re done.
4) Sonic The Hedgehog Costume
If I’m going to dress up as Sonic, I want to look as though I’ve skinned the poor little blighter and I’m wearing his bloodied pelt. I don’t want to look like this muppet.
What the hell is that? That’s not Sonic, that’s a cross between a blue onesie and heavy doses of radiation. Gamerabilia, the site which sells this abomination, has some truly wonderful gaming related bits and bobs. This costume, however, just gives me the blue willies. Note, also, the fact that Sonic is intently focused on the end of his own nose, rather than looking straight ahead. When you can run at that speed, Sonic m’boy, not looking where you’re going is a sure-fire way to find yourself splashed all over the side of a Greggs.
3) World Of Warcraft Blood Elf Ears
Another one from Gamerabilia, the folks who brought you that sodding Sonic costume (I feel ever so mean, some of the stuff on that site is stunning I promise you), it’s the World Of Warcraft Blood Elf Ear Prosthetic Kit. No longer must you look at yourself in the mirror and think “what this head is missing is some really crappy plastic ears!”.
Cosplay is a fantastic thing. I love to see the effort that people put into their costumes, lovingly hand-crafting clothing and weaponry, putting their all into bringing life to their favourite characters. Then some tosser comes along, slaps on a pair of the worst ears this side of the monarchy and mutters something about “Blood Elf innit!” and calls it good? Unacceptable.
2) Personalised Call Of Duty Ghosts Keyring
Just what in the bluest of all the blue hells is this?! I can imagine THAT scene at Christmas…
LITTLE ADAM(28): “Merry Christmas Nana. Did you like your scarf?”
NANA (Old as time): “Merry Christmas poppet. I loved it. Here’s a little something for you.”
LITTLE ADAM(Not so little): “Oh thanks Nana, what is it?”
NANA (Remembers the Big Bang): “Go on, open it and see”
*rip rip rip*
LITTLE ADAM(Too old for this shit): “Right. I ask again, what is it?”
NANA (Old enough to bloody know better): “A keyring with your name on! It’s from that ghosty game you play”
LITTLE ADAM(Not born yesterday): “Wow. That’s… that’s something. Thanks?”
NANA (Hanging on by a thread): “Come here and give me a smoochie”
It’s horrible. It offends my eyes. It’s on Ebay for about 2 bob.
1) Tomb Raider Flannels
I bought three of these for a pound in the local “Hey! You need crap stuff? WE’VE GOT ALL THE CRAP STUFF!” store. It’s like a post-nuclear apocalypse Poundland in there and this is the worst piece of detritus among the irradiated debris. That’s a slightly crappy picture above, but my decent camera refused to take a picture of it because it might foul it’s lens. I can’t even wash any part of myself with this flannel because it would feel dirty. Mostly, I use it to soak up Mountain Dew spillages.