The past week has certainly been a busy one for gaming, as I try and round off some of the thirty odd titles that I have on the go before Deadpool drops on Friday. So, as I revel in assorted titles, I’ve been rather spoiled for choice on the Achievement Punting front.
Perhaps my Veteran Black Ops II career? No, that’s actually not too bad (although the Strike Force missions may see feature in a future post. Gits.), and it’s certainly not as harsh as previous titles. There’s that cursed Gears Of War Judgment Insane run coming up, but we’re not quite there yet. While considering my options, I returned to a much loved title, Far Cry 3, to finally get on with the story which has long languished, thanks to my slightly unnerving love of hunting bandits and shutting down outposts.
Ahh, Far Cry 3. Few games have provided me with such sheer “OH MY GOD I AM TEH BADDEST OF ASSES!” joy than this title, sweeping silently through an outpost in the dead of night, leaving eight or nine pirate corpses in my wake with nary an alarm triggered. Surely this brutal, open-world joygasm holds no fear for our intrepid hero? Right? Wrong. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you… Never Saw It Coming.
Awarded for scoring a takedown from above (from a glider, zipline or parachute), this bloopedy bitch has had me tearing at my hair for days. I never seem to find ziplines with guards under them and I’ve not even come across parachutes yet as I spend all my time sneaking about the jungle, stabbing pirates in the face. So, it’s all about the glider.
Now, here’s a “helpful” tip on that score. You need to find the outpost called “The Neck’s Diner”, it’s off to the right hand side of the map, bottom end of the North island. Steer around it, leaving the bad guys alive for now and make your way up into the hills, headed towards the coast. You’ll soon notice a glider pop up on your map. Climb aboard, pull a 180 degree turn and swoop down on the poor, unsuspecting inhabitant’s of what will soon be your outpost.
You’ll notice one bandit criss-crossing the path which runs through the middle of the outpost. Aim for him, leap from your glider and take him down to the ground with a knife buried firmly in his tendernethers. Bloop.
*pause for fits of laughter*
Oh lordy, that was a good one. If you believe for one moment that I found it THAT easy, you’re obviously new here. No, I made repeated attempts at this achievement, over a period of many, many hours. Luckily for you, devoted readers, I jotted down some notes. They’re a little haphazard and some sections are hard to read, what with the coffee stains and tears, but here’s roughly how it went down:
Attempt 1 – Climbed aboard the hangglider and took to the skies. This game is a visual treat! Swooped majestically o’er the treetops and dropped towards outpost. Sprang, catlike, from glider to pirate. Missed by about half an inch and smashed face first into a barrel. Got shot approximately one hundred and fifty six times. All in the face.
Attempt 2 – Climbed aboard glider and set off. Accidentally hit the wrong button and fell, screaming, into the jungle. Corpse devoured by various rodents.
Attempt 3 – Climbed aboard glider. Swooped towards outpost. Perfect line on the pirate who CHANGED DIRECTION! CRAP! Swerved away, came around for another pass. Alerted every pirate within 100 yards. Shot down like a big duck made entirely of fail. Pouting.
Attempt 9 – Grabbed glider, leaped from cliff, turned left and dove. Steady line all the way to the outpost. Abandoned glider, dropped onto shoulders of…heavy troop. Obviously. Headbutted to the ground, kicked to death by group of pirates, buried out back. Wept. Again.
Attempt 10 – Glider. Jump. Swoop. Fail. Ran around in circles, torching everything with the flamethrower. Realised there was only one guy left in the outpost. Took myself out with a grenade before accidentally liberating outpost and doing myself out of enemies. Screamed at television for three minutes. Lost voice.
Attempt 11 – Glider. Banking too hard to the left, I plowed into the mountain. Tried to swear at the television, but still no voice. Wrote “BOLOCKS” on piece of paper, crumpled up and threw at television. Retrieved paper and added “L”, while internal editor shook head, sadly.
Attempt 23 – Climbed aboard the glider. Lazily listed to the left, coming around in a circle and drifting over the outpost. Released the glider harness forty feet above the ground and hoped to land on top of a pirate, crushing him. Landed on top of a deer. Vomited at sight of antler protruding from crotch. Wondered when video games got so brutal, before waking, realising that I had passed out during my attempt and was still slowly spiralling downwards aboard my glider. Downed the dregs of my coffee, aimed for the outpost, plowed into a tree. Threw controller out of window, incapacitating a passer-by. Closed curtains and locked doors.
Attempt 24 – Having fetched a new controller, I climbed aboard the glider. Jumped from the cliff, pointed the glider straight down and dashed myself against the rocks below. Whimpered in agony and attempted to release blinding thumb cramp.
Attempt 25 – Glider. Jump. Outpost. Drop. Miss. Shooty bang bang. Sigh.
Attempt 46 – Glideyjump. Leapedyoutpostaroo. Bandito! Splattyboomboom!
Beneath this entry I had drawn a massive smiley face and written something about “the little pink ones” which, apparently, tasted a lot like avocado. I’m guessing that’s the point at which I was heavily sedated and locked away for a couple of days. My fellow Twiddlers administered electroshock therapy using a broken night light and some wet socks and I must say, I felt much batter. Buddha. BETTER! Much better for it. Soon, I was back to the punting.
Attempt 47 – Repeating my mantra of “It’s just a game. Games are fun” from between clenched teeth, I climbed aboard the glider. Slowly, I turned to the left, making a bee-line for the outpost. I spied the guard who crosses back and forth from one side to the other. Aiming directly above him, I began my approach. Half a second before I was directly above him, I hit the button and dropped from the glider like the very wrath of God! Skidding to a halt, using my face as a buffer, I found myself surrounded and was shot repeatedly in the head and chest. Calmly, I took my controller into the kitchen, threw it into the washing machine, selected spin cycle and pressed the on button. I then cried for an hour.
Attempt 48 – This is it. 48 is the charm. If I don’t manage it this time, I’ll never go for it again. To the glider! Turned to the left. Straightened up and made my approach. Twitched randomly and veered into the building on the left hand side. Stood on the roof, screaming obscenities at the pirates who gathered below, eager to blow my face clean out the back of my head. Noticed some text flash up, prompting me to hit A to use zipline. Set myself on fire.
As my friends rushed to extinguish the flames, I took stock of the situation. You see, in The Neck’s Diner there is a zipline running from one side of the outpost to another, crossing the path. The pirate who I had so desperately tried to take out from the glider crosses underneath this line at regular intervals. All one need do is wait on the roof, tap A as he is nearly beneath the line and then drop from the line, onto his head. Bloop.
It took 48 failures, some most uncomfortable scorch marks, one comatosed pedestrian, two broken controllers and enough caffeine to stop Vince Vaughn from looking tired, but I got there. Far Cry 3 folks, one of the best games I’ve played in a long time but by Vaas’s sainted mohican, that achievement is a bitch.
Check out Jamie’s previous Achievement Punting escapades as he puts his sanity to the test each week by clicking here. Make sure you also check out our list of essential Far Cry 3 tips and hints for those wanting to stay alive and get the most out of their Far Cry 3 experience.