Don’t worry, this isn’t going to be a list of all the moron’s who have bailed on me during World Of Warcraft dungeon runs. Nor, much as I’d like to, will I be naming and shaming the assorted teabaggers (I will KILL you, Balldropper97) who I’ve met during my Halo career.
No, this article deals with NPCs, which in this case might as well stand for Non Player Cretins. You know exactly what I’m talking about, the AI characters who seem hell bent on making your life as miserable as possible. Characters like…
5) Toad – Super Mario Bros
“Awwww, but Toad’s so cute!” Yeah? Glenn Close is cu…sorry. Sharon Stone is cute, but it didn’t stop her trying to turn Michael Douglas into a human sieve. Toad exists for one reason and one reason only, to troll the ever-loving crap out of Mario.
TOAD: “The Princess is in another castle”
MARIO: “Oh a-no! Do you a-know where, Toad old a-buddy?”
TOAD: “Y…no. No, I’m afraid I don’t.”
Then, while Mario is off searching every corner of the Mushroom Kingdom, Toad is lounging around in Peach’s private quarters, most likely trying on her clothes and eating all of her By Royal Appointment chocolates. Or something.
Scumbag Toad. Directs you to another castle. Knows it’s the wrong one.
4) Guilty Spark – Halo
SPOILER ALERT: Bruce Willis is a ghost, Brad Pitt is a figment of Edward Norton’s imagination and 343 Guilty Spark is a treacherous little git. Help the Reclaimer, my arse! From the moment that the little AI appears, he makes great play of explaining how much he wants to help you, floating about opening doors and guiding you through the flood-infested horrors of Halo.
Of course, what the little sod neglects to mention is that he’s helping you to DESTROY THE ENTIRE GODDAMN UNIVERSE. If he’d have piped up with that nugget of info right from the start, I would have smiled, nodded and the moment his back was turned, bundled him into a sack and flung him into the nearest abyss.
Scumbag Monitor. Offers to help you. Tries to turn you into a universe destroying asshat.
3) Kendra Daniels – Dead Space
She guides you through the Ishimura. She overrides security locks. She shoots Dr Kyne in the chest, killing him dead. Ladies and gentlemen, Kendra Daniels! The crowd goes wild.
You’ve got to love a “I was a bad guy all along” twist, huh? Lord knows video games have been using them for a while, but perhaps none are quite so dickly as leading a character through a ship full of space freaks, letting them get all the way to the damn escape pod and then popping your head out just to blow the poor sod away. Top douche points, Kendra!
Scumbag Kendra. Leads you to the escape pod. Ruins your hopes, your dreams and your chest cavity.
2) Shepherd – Modern Warfare 2
General Shepherd is a highly decorated US military officer, a top class strategician and all round nice guy. Well, that is until he turns out to be a lying, scheming sack of crap.
“This is the time for heroes. A time for legends. History is written by the victors. Let’s get to work.” Shepherd said that and by Lucifer’s luscious locks I believed him. For that man, I cheerfully wandered through a busy airport, murdering civilians to ensure the freedom of civilians, because logic. Then, suddenly, BANG! Literally bang. Shepherd turns on you in a heartbeat and puts a bullet between your eyes.
Scumbag Shepherd. Leads you gallantly into battle. Shoots you in the back.
1) Leo Delgado – Inversion
The entire plot of Inversion centres around Davis Russel’s search for his dead child. MISSING! Sorry, I meant missing. Not dead, hey Leo? That’s right folks, Leo Delgado knows damn well that Russel’s kid is no longer with us, but rather than fess up and tell his friend so that he can start the grieving process, he feels it’s better to hide it from him and then accompany his good buddy on an orgy of destruction.
I admit that Delgado made the right choice as far as video game plots go. I mean, no-one wants to pay forty quid to fire up a game, search some wreckage, find a dead kid and read the credits. Nevertheless, as dick moves go, Delgado keeping quiet about the offing of the offspring is right up there. On the plus side, you can always play co-op so that your friend takes the role of Leo. That way, when the twist comes, you can turn round and punch him in the throat.
Scumbag Leo. Helps you look for your dead kid. Already swept the corpse under a rug.
Who would you nominate as a top video game scumbag? Let us know in the comments below or hit us up on Twitter.