Thanks to the marvels of modern science and the folk at Bossa Studios, you can take home schooled medical training to a whole new level with the release of Surgeon Simulator 2013. This quirky title let’s you take charge of a floating arm and hand, in order to perform a complex heart transplant. It’s fiendishly hard to control, arms flapping and flying all over the place.

During my feeble attempts to save a digital man’s life, I couldn’t help but wonder what would be running through the head of the surgeon whose motor functions were now in my power. I can imagine his diary…

4:30am – Another day in the life of me, Dr. Mal Practiss, world’s leading one armed surgeon. Time for another twelve hour shift. I’m a little tired, having slept for three hours in the last seventy two, but nothing that a quick coffee and some illegally sourced methamphetamines can’t fix.

4:45am – Pixies have taken my car keys! I can hear them, buzzing around behind the walls. I’m going to fetch my gun!

5:00am – I’ve levelled out a bit. Pixies indeed! Found the keys in the freezer, which makes sense when you think about it. To work!

6:00am – Despite every single person on the road driving in the wrong direction this morning, I have reached the hospital unharmed and with most of my car intact. Note to self, call the garage about a new wing mirror. Best ask about a new driver side door while I’m at it. Now, just time for another coffee before my first surgery

6:30am – It’s probably just the caffeine and the speed talking, but I feel as though my left arm is under the control of some strange, otherwordly force. An alien intelligence with little to no medical knowledge and a complete disregard for the safety of the patient. Ah well, time to get cutting.

8:45am – I’ve just come from the relatives room. Told poor Mrs Jenkins that her husband didn’t make it. I didn’t go into the gory details, poor soul wouldn’t have thanked me for that.

It was an unusual surgery, that much is certain. I can’t say for sure exactly why I smacked the donor heart to the floor, nor am I entirely clear on my reasons for throwing the bone saw at the nurse and smashing the patient’s rib cage open with a hammer. Probably just need some more coffee.

9:00am – No rest for the dangerously underqualified, I guess. Another open heart transplant is scheduled for 9:15. I’m cutting out the middle man and just mixing the drugs with the coffee like sweetener. WHAT COULD GO WRONG?!

11:00am – Well, who’d have thought that the human heart could spray blood that high, ‘ey? A four foot jet, I kid you not. Thanks to what I am dubbing my Freaky Assed Floaty Hand Syndrome, I tried with three separate scalpels to delicately sever the arteries, but instead I just stabbed the poor chap. Repeatedly. Once, in the face.

11:01am – Back into surgery? Ye gods, this day is brutal! I’m drinking speed and injecting pure Nescafe. LEEEROOOOYYY JENKIINNNSS!!!

12:30pm – Well that one didn’t last long, did he? This is the trouble with old people today, no bloody staying power. I thought the op was going pretty well, too!

I managed to remove the rib cage, with only a few bone fragments lodged in the lungs. Then I carefully shimmied his organs to one side with a gentle tap…okay, a hearty slap but it did the job. Then, oh so carefully, I wedged a clipboard under the heart and levered it out like a troublesome toffee stuck in a tooth. What’s wrong with that?!

1:00pm – I’ve speed some more taken and coffee the drunk. Surgery ho!

3:00pm – Starting to think that I’m not cut out for this surgery lark. Tried to cut the ribs out with scissors but they slipped and punctured a lung. Managed to plug the gap with the clipboard, then stoved in the rib cage with the donor heart box. Beat the lungs out of the way with a hammer and tore out the heart with my bare hands. Wedged in the donor heart and pinned all the gubbins back together with scalpels and pens. Stupid git STILL died on me.

Told his girlfriend he was a good-for-nothing quitter and she was better off without him. Jaw aches somewhat where she punched me.

3:10pm – Decided that my surgery problems are almost certainly related to the near lethal dosage of amphetamines and caffeine which I have ingested, so I’m trying to level myself out with an assortment of sedatives.

3:20pm – Barely having the strength to lift my arm, I just pushed it into the chest cavity and rummaged about a bit. Only just managed to lift the saw but lacked the force required to cut through the ribs so I scored them and then pushed over heavy lighting rigs by leaning on them, in the hopes that one would land on the patient and crack the rib cage.

One DID land on the patient, but unfortunately it broke his nose and lacerated his left eye. I’d say that it would take some explaining, but luckily he’s dead so we pulled the sheet up over him and called it good.

5:00pm – Woke up, having passed out in the chest cavity of my last patient. Walked around the hospital for ten minutes, blissfully unaware that I had a gobbet of his innards stuck to my cheek. Only an hour to go though, hold it together man!

6:00pm – Home time! I’m going to crash out for at least twenty minutes before heading to my other job as an air traffic controller. Good night, diary.

You can try your hand at being a surgeon and play Surgeon Simulator 2013 for free in your browser by visiting the Bossa Studios website.

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