Want to know one of the very best things about having children? Love and kindness and stuff? Pfft. One of the very best things, one of the never mentioned fringe benefits, is being able to buy games which are perceived as being for children and having an excuse to do so.
SHOP STAFF: “Oh. LEGO Batman 2?” *snigger*
ME: “I HAVE KIDS! LOOK! LOOK AT THEM!” *waves child frantically at staff member*
SHOP STAFF: “Ahhh I see. My apologies sir, have a good day”
CHILD 1: “Daddy, is that my Lego Batman game then?”
ME: “Sod off. Daddy’s console”
So, children weeping and copy of LEGO Batman 2: DC Super Heroes clutched firmly in my hand, I set off in search of achievements. The LEGO games are brilliant fun and amazing achievement boosters, but they always seem to have one achievement that makes me want to rip out my internal organs in utter frustration. LEGO Harry Potter: Years 5-7 in particular drove me to tears thanks to the students in sodding peril.
That being said, they are always great fun to play. That’s a bloody good thing because this week I’ve decided to go for the Gorilla Thriller achievement in LEGO Batman 2 and it seems that, to earn it, you have to play through the entire damn game first. I wouldn’t mind, BUT I ONLY STARTED THIS MORNING! So, as you’re reading this I’ve just put the controller down, managed to uncurl the gnarled talons that once were my fingers and I’m off for a little lie down.
Gorilla Thriller asks that you climb to the top of Wayne Tower. A simple job for Batman! A relatively easy task for Robin! Hell, ol’ Alfred would probably manage it easy enough after swiping some bits and pieces from Bruce’s gadget drawer. But no, they ask you to play as…a female character.
If you’re expecting a sexist rant here, move along. Setting aside for a moment the fact that one of the female characters in this game is freaking Wonder Woman who could probably leap over the tower, the main point is that any of the LEGO characters could most likely get to the top of the Wayne building without too much effort. So, where’s the issue?
You have to do it whilst riding a gorilla. Oh yes, you have to ask one of our larger, simian cousins to take time off from the hectic Cadbury advertising schedule, drop the drumsticks and play horsey while you wander up the side of the largest building in LEGO Gotham City.
ANYTHING done on gorilla-back is instantly ten times more difficult. Making pancakes is easy. Bitch to do whilst riding a gorilla. Getting dressed is something most people can manage with ease. Getting dressed on the back of a gorilla? Nightmare! Having sex…don’t judge me, I lost a bet and anyway you get the point.
You’re best bet is simple. Do everything else, so you’ve got all the characters available, the whole city unlocked and spread before you. Then, opt for Wonder Woman because if you’re going to climb a skyscraper whilst riding Donkey Kong, you might as well do it as a freaking superhero. You’ll find the gorilla at Gotham Zoo, though you’ll need to use a remote terminal to open the cage.
Once you’ve chosen your gorilla, head for Wayne Tower. It’s pretty much at the end of the main road at the bottom of the map. Once you’re there, simply look for the long, blue strip of LEGO that runs up the building. Don’t do what I did and wander around for ages trying to leap up the building unaided. That totally doesn’t work.
Start climbing, fall off, do it again, repeat several times and fling yourself under a passing bus. Well, that’s what I did, anyway. Bloop.
Check out Jamie’s previous Achievement Punting escapades as he puts his sanity to the test each week by clicking here.