Last week I was pottering around Pandora in search of Crawmerax. This week, I found him and I wish like hell that I hadn’t.

With my Borderlands 2 pre-order in place and due to arrive on Friday, time was clearly running out to find and fell the beast in question, so I swallowed my pride along with a handful of Pro Plus, and summoned the assistance of my long-time amigo and admittedly better gamer than I, Blameless Ninja.

This stalwart companion of mine has already bested the beastie in the past and can actually read a map, so t’was with great relief that I welcomed him to my game. I took the wheel of our trusty Racer, Ninja opened the 2012 A To Z Of Pandora and we were on the road. The long, long road. You see, Crawmerax features in the Secret Armory Of General Knoxx DLC, in which there is no fast travel.

As last week’s Punting shenanigans clearly show, I couldn’t locate my buttocks with the use of both hands and a carefully drawn route plan, so driving the twenty odd miles to locate our chosen prey was understandably a bit of a concern. Thankfully, my ninja navigator did a wonderful job, I pointed the car where he told me and avoided obvious obstacles. Well, for the most part anyway.

If you’re like me and find yourself somewhat geographically challenged, the route is actually fairly simple. Leave T-Bone junction, taking the junction ahead of you from Scooter’s where you pick up your car, headed for the Crimson Tollway. Then it’s a straight shot along the tollway to the Deep Fathoms transition, avoiding drones, Lancers and the occasional Crimson Lance trooper.

Once you’re into the Deep Fathoms and you’ve scraped the last of the soldiers off of the windscreen, head off the road at the exit ramp and you’ll see a jump to the right. Boost over that, land on your roof, mutter a string of expletives which would make a sailor weep and then flip the car back onto it’s wheels. Now head to your right, straight through the gaps in ahead, run down a few more hapless foes and hit the curved ramp dead ahead of you. Zip up that and you’ll see a corrugated iron ramp leading to a path, which ends in a cave and a transition point headed to Crawmerax’s Lair. Kiss your ass goodbye and in you go.

Now, once you’re in, you’re going to need to follow a precise set of instructions. Do not deviate from this guide, or death will be your reward! Dramatic, huh? In seriousness, Crawmerax is one ugly sumbitch and tough to boot. Both myself and Ninja are level 69 Hunters with ridiculously powerful weaponry and still I fear him to the point of pant-wetting. So, here’s the step by step, in which I am Player One and Ninja is Player Two…

1) Call the lift. Step on to it and activate, with Player Two facing right.

2) As the lift climbs, make sure your weapons are reloaded and hot to trot

3) Exit the lift.

4) Player Two runs ahead and to the left, aiming for a small ledge in the corner. From this ledge, Two can avoid Crawmerax and his worm and maggot amigos

5) Player One stares in horror at Crawmerax, frozen with utter terror at the sheer bulk and hideousness of him.

6) Player One is downed, fighting for his life.

7) Player One dies and respawns at the bottom of the lift.

8) Player Two, if you’re very lucky, can now take advantage of THE GLITCH! There’s always a glitch. Crawmerax will stand in one place, roaring constantly and exposing his assorted weak points. These are the bright purple areas of his body.

9) Player Two shoots any and all exposed weak points, hoping against hope that the worms and maggots don’t spot him and either eat him alive or kick him clean off the cliff

10) Player One chuckles and sits out, grabbing a cup of tea while Player Two does all the hard work

11) Player Two calls Player One a “worthless gimp-sausage”

12) Player One boards the lift

13) On exiting the lift, Player One aims for exposed weak points. Bear in mind, there are six of these points. The four claws, his bug ugly eye and a large spot on his back. If Crawmy (he let’s me call him Crawmy) is facing Player Two, Player One has the only shot on the back and vice versa

14) Player One lands a critical hit on the back, Crawmerax turns and beats him like an egg

15) Player One bleeds out and dies like a worthless noob

16) Player Two resumes a constant stream of gunfire aimed at anything purple and shiny

17) Player One boards the lift

18) Player One leaves the lift, comes face to face with one of Crawmy’s Armored Craw Worm companions and is horribly violated in ways that can only be described to a practiced therapist

19) Player One dies once again and screams at inanimate objects

20) Player Two whistles a jaunty tune, whilst blowing up another of Crawmerax’s appendages

21) Player One boards the lift

22) Player One exits the lift, lands a second critical hit destroying the back weak spot. Only the eye remains. Player One is then clawed to death by assorted minions and lies bleeding to death just in time to see Crawmerax defeated

23) Player One respawns, weeps with joy at the sight of the Vincible achievement and then weeps with sorrow as he drags his broken carcass back to the lift to examine the ridiculous pile of loot left behind

24) Player Two winces at the cramp in his legs from kneeling behind a rock for the past three hours, rises and beings rifling through Crawmy’s belongings

That’s right, I didn’t kill him. BUT I HELPED! It really does make life a hell of a lot easier to have one player tucked away and one dying constantly, but exposing those vital weak points.

The reason it’s so essential to have one player bored but alive is that if you both die, the battle restarts and all the damage you’ve dealt is lost. Sure, one player COULD just stay at the bottom while the other does all the work, but getting the big beastly bugger to turn around and show off his best side is a nightmare when there’s just one of you, so the “up the lift, do a bit of damage and get smooshed” method works a treat. Yeah, I don’t sound so useless now do I?

Check out Jamie’s previous Achievement Punting escapades as he puts his sanity to the test each week by clicking here.

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