The sun and our hopes were high when first we set off on our quest. Our noble goal? Find the fabled dungeon, slay the beasts within and collect our much deserved reward! Our much deserved reward being any mossy cobblestone we could nab to finish our pond plus whatever was in the chest, hopefully including saddles.
You see, in Minecraft there is an achievement called “When Pigs Fly”. This achievement requires four seemingly simple things.
1) Find saddle
2) Put saddle on pig
3) Ride pig
4) Have pig damaged by a fall while riding
Our merry band of muppets wandered o’er block hill and block dale for many a day and night cycle before we saw any sign of a chest. Thankfully, we had packed a bed each so, as night fell, we could dig frantically into the side of a mountain, block ourselves in and then sleep until day break. Simple my pixelated arse. Allow me to regale you with a tale…
Chapter 1 : WHERE’S THE ‘EFFING SADDLES?!
Our motley crew gathered in the village square. Thanks to the delightfully random base skins in Minecraft, our fellowship apparently consisted of Steve The Minecraft Guy, James Bond, Boris Becker, Mr T and William Wallace. You can imagine the scene:
STEVE: “I go now in search of saddles! Which, for some ungodly reason, I cannot craft”
BOND: “You have my Walther PPK”
BECKER: “And my racket”
MR T: “And my van. But I pity the creeper who tries to blow up my van”
WALLACE: “And my massive, massive sword”
STEVE: “I’ll be honest Becker, I don’t feel you’re bringing as much to the table as these guys”
Random blocky heroes assembled, we went a-wandering the cuboid landscape in search of a dungeon. The saddles will only ever be found in chests, which in turn can be located in dungeons. These dungeons are fairly easy to recognise, once you’ve found one as there’ll be mossy cobblestone around, the only place you’ll find it. Also, there will be a mob spawner. This is a small cage looking block which contains a rotating figure and some fire which will spawn (revelation!) enemies into the dungeon. As you can imagine, that’s about as much fun as a nude romp with a porcupine.
Slay the beasts, grab the goodies from the chest and run! That’s my advice. Of course, that is largely dependent on you actually finding the dungeon. The only advice I can give you with regard to finding the dungeon is take a friend, search everywhere and pack plenty of supplies. Including a bed.
We eventually stumbled upon…and into…a dungeon. Amidst cries of “ARGH! THERE ARE ZOMBIES EVERYWHERE”, “OH LORD ABOVE WHERE THE HELL IS THE WAY OUT!?!” and “WHERE’D STEVE GO? OH THAT BAST…” I managed to grab the two saddles from the chest and hightail it the hell out of there, bravely bricking my friends in behind me. It’s what they would have wanted.
Chapter 2: PIGS IN BLANKETS…OR SADDLES
Turns out, it wasn’t what they wanted. I arrived back at the village to find that they had respawned and were waiting for me with an assortment of mining tools. After a hurried explanation, a severe beating and the making of certain promises of which I shall never speak, we moved on with our noble quest.
We spotted a likely looking pig on top of a cliff, just behind the village pub (yup, we built a pub. It’s OK to wish you were me), so we scaled the mighty height and slapped the saddle on the chubby wee piggly. It is at this point that I should explain something that we discovered later. Once you have placed a saddle on a pig, you cannot remove it. If the pig dies, you lose the saddle. If the pig wanders off and you can’t find him, you lose the saddle. Basically, before you use one of your ridiculously rare saddles, you’d best make damn sure you’re set to pop the achievement.
Chapter 3: RIDE THAT HOG!
Having popped a saddle on the first oinker in sight, I instantly leaped onto his back and I was off. “WEEEEEEEEE! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! WWWWHHHHhere the hell am I going?!” You can’t steer the pigs. Nope, they will squeal around the landscape going wherever they please and there’s not a damned thing you can do about it.
This is where we found out about the disappearing saddle bit, by the way. I hopped off the pig to rethink things and smote him mightily with my diamond sword, killing him with a single blow. I collected pork chops and not a hint of saddle. Buggers.
Chapter 4: HOW DO YOU MAKE A SAUSAGE ROLL? SHOVE A PIG OFF A CLIFF
With one saddle left, we were determined to do it right. Should you find yourself in a similar predicament, i’d advise that you follow my simple step-by-step guide below and soon you’ll be bound for the bottom of a very deep hole, ol’ Porky clasped between your thighs. That came out more sexual than I had intended, but nevertheless…
a) Dig a channel about eight blocks long, two wide and two deep. Must be at least two blocks deep or the surprisingly agile pigs will be able to climb out.
b) Guide a pig into the channel. You may need to place a step to get him in there and then remove it hurriedly
c) Gentlemen! SADDLE! YOUR! PIG!
d) Dig yourself a nice pit at one end of the channel, you’ll need to go down about six blocks I’d say. Nothing fancy
e) Hastily fill in the bottom of your new pit as you realise you’ve come out in a cave filled with spiders
f) Dig a pit at the OTHER END of the channel
g) Climb aboard Porky and hold on tight!
From here on in, it’s all down to luck. Eventually the porcine prat should plummet, but if not there are a few things you can do. Have a friend fill in the channel behind you so he’s got nowhere to go, that’s a good one. We’re also hearing rumours that having a friend hold some wheat and leap into the pit ahead of you might tempt Pinky/Perky into the hole, but that remains untested because no-one was willing to leap into the hole that I’d dug. Selfish, right?
Anyways, follow these simple tips and you’ll soon be hearing a bloop. Or you’ll be hearing a “GRRRRRRRRR!” because you’re still looking for the dungeon, it’s night time and you’ve had to wall yourself into a mountain and wait for daylight. Happy punting folks.
Check out Jamie’s previous Achievement Punting escapades as he puts his sanity to the test each week by clicking here.