You’re never really experienced gaming if you’ve never played at least one game which required you to mash the buttons frantically, as though you were trying to thumb punch a bear into submission. Street Fighter is a classic example. I think I wore out enough controllers on that one to build a life size replica of Ken being punched in the nads by Ryu.

Recently, I dived into the delightfully cartoonish world of Fable Heroes. What I didn’t expect was an achievement that would have me wearing my thumbs to bloody stumps, but there it was, the “Fast & Furious” achievement.

For this cheevo, you need to button mash frantically and drive a mine cart to the end of a short mini-game, in under 13 seconds.Sounds simple enough, right? WRONG!

Well, it should be, but by Mario’s moustache it’s a bothersome bit of gaming. Basically, you have to bash A several times, then X, then A, then X and finish it all up with a spot of A. Nothing tricky. But the first change over from A to X always, ALWAYS slows me down.

I come around the first turn, convinced that I’ve nailed it this time and then my mine-cart hits a patch of invisible treacle and I slow to a near halt, sobbing to myself as the three other ragdoll gits go shooting past.

Now, I could recommend some kind of turbo controller but let’s face it, if you can’t do it under your own finger power, what’s the point? I could point to certain nefarious methods involving sending out invites, jamming buttons and all sorts of other naughty little tricks, but I won’t. I won’t suggest any of that, I will offer you just one, simple ray of hope. Play it again, Sam.

Play it again and again and again and again. Learn to anticipate every single button change along the way. Hone your mashing skills to a near superhuman level, to the point where you’re expecting an invitation to join the X-Men, to near godlike status! Then come in with a time of 13:08 and destroy everything in your living room.

This achievement may not be difficult to figure out but it’s a bitch to land, I can’t imagine what Lionhead were thinking when they dropped this one into a fun, family-friendly game like Fable Heroes. I’m wondering if the conversation went something like…

DEV 1: “Ok guys, 5 points of gamerscore left to assign. What shall we do?”

DEV 2: “Hmm, perhaps something to do with good and evil choices?”

DEV 1: “Possibly, possibly. Anyone else?”

DEV 3: “I was thinking maybe something for one of the race mini-games, beat a certain time?”

DEV 1: “Oh, I like that! What’s a good time for…I don’t know…the mine-cart race?”

DEV 4: “I was playing around with that last night, about 14-15 seconds seems fair”

DEV 1: “Perfect. So, under 15 seconds then? Bit of a challenge?”

DEV 3: “Yeah, sounds good. The players will enjoy that.”

DEV 5: “Wait.”

DEV 1: “Who said that?”

DEV 5: “Me. The new guy. Luke Iffer.”

DEV 1: “Sounds a bit like…”

DEV 5: “Yes, it does. Make it 13 seconds.”

DEV 4: “That…that’s inhuman!”


At which point he disappeared in a gout of flame and went back to corrupting Arkham Asylum save files.

That’s right, the devil did it. The evidence is overwhelming! 13 is unlucky, so there’s that. Plus 13 is 1 and 3 and 1 times 3 is 3 and 3 times 3 is…no, wait. OK, maybe I shouldn’t have read that Dan Brown crap last night.

Either way, this achievement is doable, if you’re happy to attempt it repeatedly whilst looking for all the world like a human paint shaker. Enjoy that, folks.

Check out Jamie’s previous Achievement Punting escapades as he puts his sanity to the test each week by clicking here.


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