The Sun have reported that terrorists are using games like Call Of Duty as online meeting places to discuss terrorist plots. What’s more, they use them as virtual training grounds to lay out attacks. Read more about this ‘chilling’ news here, if you can stomach a visit to The Sun website.
It’s yet another example of the desperate attempt by the media to paint video games as the world’s greatest evil, but it did get me to thinking. So I present to you five games which terrorist groups will surely employ in the future, in order to further their nefarious schemes.
1) Dance Central
A healthy horde of henchmen is a happy horde of henchmen, so don’t be surprised if online sales of Dance Central to “Secret Volcano Base, Spooky Island, Middle Of The Ocean” suddenly spike.
Not only will Dance Central help the dastardly fiends to stay in shape, but busting a move is certain to aid them with bullet dodging. Not to mention the potential for distraction.
GUARD: “Halt, who goes th-whoa! Those are some fresh and funky moves!”
And then the ninjas appear.
2) Cooking Mama
An army marches on it’s stomach! So what better to fuel the unnamed horrors that The Sun fear so greatly than a tasty treat whipped up by the terrorist catering corp?
But how to train these calamitous culinary types? Well, that’s where Cooking Mama comes in! Oh, the horror as hundreds of villainous types take to the Wii, concocting new recipes to tantalise terrorist tastebuds. Even worse, they could enslave the minds of the nation with delicious cupcakes and the like.
Ban it now!
Not an immediate threat, as we’re apparently NEVER getting a release date for this on Xbox, but once it does arrive Minecraft could be a deadly weapon in the hands of the “Legion Of Doom”.
Using Minecraft’s incredible realism, evildoers would be able to build accurate, digital reconstructions of potential targets and then blow the ever-loving hell out of them with TNT. Then, pickaxe in hand, they would launch their attack from below, digging perfectly square tunnels under our nations capital!
The Ministry Of Defense boffins are currently hard at work to create our own army of Creepers to slow their advance.
4) Walk It Out
If you’ve not heard of this one, I’m not surprised. Walk It Out is a Wii game that involves…walking. Well, walking to music. But imagine the military applications.
Do we want terrorists practising their walking? Perfecting the art? What of our regular, non-walktrained troops? Will they be able to keep up under some odd set of circumstances that sees a chase occurring at low speed?
And with all that walking training, there’s every possibility of using a treadmill to generate power. Power to run their games for more evil! Terrifying.
5) Angry Birds
Terrorism, guerrilla warfare, often the focus of engagements in these circumstances relies on improvised weaponry. Dead Rising 2 and the like would be ideal for picking up melee weapon tips, but what of artillery? I think it’s entirely reasonable to assume that those blighters who lurk in the shadows plotting unspecified nasty doings would resort to pig-based combat.
Picture the scene. Mass hysteria as Peppa, George and the whole piggy family rain screaming from the sky. Our only defense, a hastily constructed wall of puffins.
I fully realise that everything above is utter rubbish. But so was the original article, so I feel it balances out.
Leave games alone newspapers, otherwise I’m firing up the pig launcher.