Following last week’s poll on our Facebook page, I have been busy knocking one achievement off my list of regrets from 2011, “Longevity Master” in Viva Pinata. Now I can add a new regret to my 2012 list, “Played Viva Pinata again”.

“Longevity Master” pops when you play the game for 50 hours of real time. That’s about 250 days of game time, you can check that figure in your journal.

For those who’ve yet to play VP, it’s a fun game and amazingly addictive. The basic aim of the game is to entice cute and cuddly Pinata into your garden and then nurture and raise them…Or beat them mercilessly with a shovel until they burst open and shower the grass with their candy innards. All depends on what sort of day you’re having.

It took me around 40 hours to do everything else in the game. I probably could have done it faster if I’d spent less time smashing Seedos around the head with a shovel, but my advice would be drag it out.

Once you’re past the point of having anything that you actually need to do, it becomes pretty difficult to find ways to pass the time without driving yourself to despair. If you had been listening in to my mumblings as I played, you’d have heard something like this…

THE FIRST HOUR

“I’ve not played this in ages, I’ll reorganise the garden and set it up nicely. Maybe I’ll dig out a nice lake. Yeah, this achievement won’t be so bad at all.”

Not a bad hour, that first hour. I fiddled and faffed around to my hearts content, setting up fences and flower beds and had all sorts of wholesome fun.

THE SECOND HOUR

“Well, the garden is all set up. What to do now? OH! I’ll drop some cute, fluffy little pinata in to the garden. Then I’ll have my Dragonache set them on fire. MWAHAHAHA!”

OK, I’ll admit that I’m a terrible person. But after a solid hour of landscape gardening, my trigger finger was starting to itch and those cuddly little blighters had to pay.

THE THIRD HOUR

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. You’re burning. Fabulous.” *sigh* “This is getting dull already. Um…maybe I could drown something? Just dig here, here and here aaaannnddd…nope. Damn. Wait!” *CLANG* “Take that Seedos.” *CLANG* “And that.” *giggle* “And…THIS!” *CLANG*.

Seedos is a strange, masked fellow who wanders around your garden inspecting plants and has an obsession with seeds which borders on the unnatural. If you hit him two many times with a shovel, he’ll throw out some weed seeds to mess up the garden which you so painstakingly laid out…

THE FOURTH HOUR

*CLANG* And that. *CLANG* And that. *CLANG* And that…

By this point, my garden looked like a explosion on a garden centre. Weeds everywhere, Pinata being choked by trailing ivy, Seedos cackling maniacally between head trauma and scattering handfuls of tiny, red seeds into the wind.

THE FIFTH HOUR

“Right, maybe I’ll rework the entire garden again. Lay it out in some sort of nifty pattern. OH! I Wonder if I can make the Halo symbol out of grass?!”

That was actually midway into the fifth hour, in fairness. The first half hour was taken up with de-weeding. Ruddy Seedos…

THE SIXTH HOUR

“Nope.”

Much painstaking, thumb-breaking labour and twiddling led to a Halo symbol which looked more like a large broken teacup, three dead Pinata (shouldn’t have wandered into my work area, should ya?) and one torn up poster which I was using as a reference image. I liked that poster.

THE SEVENTH HOUR

“OH PLEASE BE OVER! WHY OH WHY OH WHY OH WHY OH…?!”

I don’t remember much about the seventh hour, asides from screaming the above repeatedly and at some point heading out to the shed, fetching the Flymo and trying to mow the television…

THE EIGHT HOUR

*snore*

It was late and my mind could take no more. Blissfully, sleep claimed me. Security footage showed my thumbs still feverishly working the sticks in my sleep.

THE NINTH HOUR

“EH!? WHU?! Oh, I dozed off. *yawn* Um…” *CLANG* “Take that Seedos”

I woke up towards the end of the ninth hour, the mania had subsided somewhat and I took after Seedos with renewed vigour, drawing ever closer to…

THE TENTH HOUR

“YES! DONE IT! WAHOO! Wait. Why isn’t it unlocking? I’m done, right? RIGHT?! OH NO THE GAME IS BROKEN!” *bites through controller*

“WHY!? AND NOW I’M BLEEDING FROM THE MOUTH! THIS IS THE WORST THING TO EVER HAPPEN IN THE HISTORY OF THINGS HAPPENING!”

*bloop*

“Ah, fair enough.”

*collapse*

When I awoke, the doctors were still trying to pull the A button out of my gums and my wife was muttering something about blood and couch cushions.

Until next week, happy punting folks!

You can vote on what Jamie should play next week by voting in our poll.

Check out Jamie’s previous Achievement Punting escapades as he puts his sanity to the test each week by clicking here.

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