Well hello there chaps! Yes it’s been a while and yes I have a new home but never fear, I’m still trawling though the bins round the back of CEX to find some rather cheap gaming delights for you!
Well, normally it’s delights, however this week my bargain senses must have been busy watching re-runs of Babylon 5 as, for some reason, I stumbled home with a copy of “Onechanbara– Bikini Samurai Squad” for the princely sum of five English pounds.
Released in 2009 (in the EU, it was released in 2006 in Japan) the game has probably one of the most accurate and descriptive titles around and does exactly what is says on the tin. Yes, there are two of you (which I suppose could be considered a squad..ish); Yes you have sharp pointy swords (which Samurai generally carry around with them) and BY GOD YES YOU ARE IN A BIKINI!
Slapping the game into Monica ( I named my Xbox, so sue me ) off I went expecting to be enthralled by lithe Japanese bikini wearing death machines as they jumped around my screen in a typically Asian “Ninja-em-up.” Oh how very wrong I was. Instead I find myself staring straight into a digital cleavage which jiggled around more than the time me and those two….well..they jiggled around a lot. Lets leave it at that.
After managing to drag myself out of the “Dress up Japanese schoolgirls” section I finally found the main game. I honestly wish I had not.
At its core, the game is a button masher that (from what I could derive from the nonsense onscreen) sees two sisters and one police type woman rampaging through levels, slicing the hell out of random zombie type enemies. Most of the time I had no idea what the hell was going on, or where I should be heading, and settled for blindly wandering though the stages whilst muttering to myself. While I’m sure there must be a story around here somewhere, I never really found it.
Graphically it looks like a last gen game. The camera is just horrible, appearing to be controlled by a semi-blind teenager with ADHD. The amount of times I had to prevent myself from launching the controller into a low orbit out of frustration with the camera angles it was giving me can not be easily counted.
Yes there are special moves, and yes there are a FEW nice gameplay touches, such as having to clean off the viscera from your sword manually otherwise it gets stuck in whatever zombie thingy you’re carving up, yet even this get’s tedious after a while.
This game had the potential to be a nice distraction from more the mainstream games, just like EDF was, yet it seems the developers thought that they needed to do nothing more then provide something which could JUST be described as playable and instead concentrated on jiggling boobs and dress up sections.
Even at £5 I can’t recommend this to everyone. I’m sure fans of Onechanbara (which, I might add, is a Japanese film series of some description; just ask our very own Micster, he loves that kind of thing….the mentalist) will take some pleasure in owning it, but for everyone else just stay away and spend the £5 on something good. Like wine gums.
Onechanbara is available from Game for £4.99 , Gamegears for £7.99 or CEX in-store for £5.00 however the game DOES seem quite rare at the moment so don’t be surprised if you find it out of stock…and then be thankful for small mercies!
Got a suggestion for a game you want me to hunt down and try? Mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org but be warned, if it’s rubbish I shall hurt you!